The Amiel Blog

New ways of parenting Jacob

It's been a while since I blogged about Jacob. Not only is he now almost 3, but he is also an older brother. This has created new challenges and joys for our family. Three recent experiences, in particular, have led me to reflect on how I can be a more effective, loving and powerful father.  

First, while lunging to grab Jacob and, in theory at least, protect him from falling and hurting himself, I fell and  hurt myself. Hence the cast on my right arm. Not only was this painful and frustrating, but it represented an unfortunate recapitulation of a similar event a few weeks earlier, when my lunging to prevent Jacob from doing something mischievous at the dining table contributed to him falling from a chair onto his face. Ironically, the more recent lunge was  both more noble  (in that  Jacob was an actual risk, however minimal), and more damaging. So anyhow, that was the 1st experience.

The second experience was taking a photograph of Jacob holding a book written by a new friend of mine and then observing him throw the book into the crib, missing Zander  by only a foot. This incident woke both Julie and I  to the possibility that Jacob could harm Zander  simply because of his developmental stage and Zander's  relative fragility. We looked at each other and agreed we needed advice about how to guide Jacob in relating to his younger brother.

The third experience was reading the 1st few chapters  of a wonderful book called The Wonder Of Boys.  this book spoke directly to me as a father, man, and former boy. The author, Michael Gurion, emphasizes the importance of biological differences between boys and girls and how this should shape the ways we parent, educate and mentor boys. His ideas gave me some ways of thinking about how to respond to the first two experiences.

But, 1st, a few observations about why I've been doing what I've been doing:

•  The lunging  toward Jacob  is a reflexive action driven by limbic fear and founded in a narrative that the world is not safe.  For over a decade, it has been clear to me that  actions like this reflect  my Enneagram  type, the 6 or Loyal Skeptic.  More recently, I've begun to see such responses as related to various traumas I have experienced in life. By the way, if you read the word “trauma” and think I'm talking about something absolutely horrendous of which you were not aware even though you know me, I would refer you to the work of Peter Levine. He uses a broad definition of trauma that includes experiences I have had like the divorce of parents, getting lost at the mall  at age 7, totaling my car in college, and getting held at knife point in elementary school.  I will save the topic of healing trauma for another post.
• I have a habit of doing things for Jacob that he could do for himself,  Like putting on his clothes, washing his hands, and moving the stool closer to the toilet or sink.
•  I can be more physically forceful with Jacob than either he needs or the moment calls for. This most often happens when I feel frustrated that he is not doing what I want him to do. I rationalize it in my mind as setting effective boundaries, but actually it represents a mild form of bullying that, although not physically harmful to him, can hinder his emotional development.  (How do you think he learns to be rough with others?) And it ain't so great for my development as an adult either.
•  I do practice effective language with Jacob yet he could be even more effective and better customized to him being a boy. For example, I learned several years ago from Julie's childhood friend, Jean, to use present tense declarations instead of commanding requests. Example: “In our family, we eat with a spoon," instead of “Eat with your spoon.” Yet this still is insufficient for boys who need such declarations framed in terms of the larger goal or job.
• I often expect Jacob to do things quickly, when in reality he needs more time to do them and there is no rush anyhow. In fact, there can be great joy in hanging out with him while he does things his way. A good example of this is how he gets from the car to the house after arriving at home. Whereas I take the straight path directly to the front door, he likes to walk down the driveway, take 7 or 8  steps on the sidewalk, then turn and walk up the front walkway to the front porch. And it's actually fun to watch him do this! Now, he also has a habit sometimes of then taking off at full speed down the sidewalk, but I realized he does this more often before going to school then upon arriving at home.

Now, here are some of the new things I've been practicing with Julie's support and Jacob's able participation: 

• When tempted to lunge, move slowly and observe what Jacob is up to. Take a deep breath, which slows down the body's threat response.
• Whenever possible, let Jacob do things for himself, even when he is struggling, so he learns how to rise to challenges. In addition, rather than offering help, let him know he can ask for help, so he learns how to make effective requests when mastering challenges is not something he can do alone.  The book Blessings of a Skinned Knee has been a useful guide in this regard.
• Catch myself before or during the act of using unnecessary physical force  and take a chill pill. Pause and take a moment to consider my alternatives.
• Create powerful new frames for Jacob's actions that appeal to his biological drive to have a job to do and purpose to fulfill.  Examples: “Babies lay down when you're changing their diaper. Big  boys stand up!" " Your job is to keep the floor clean for the whole family. That's why when you drop your food, you pick it up.”  “You are a great big brother. You touch your little brother gently and you protect him.” “Tonight is a big night for you. You are going to sleep in your big boy bed all night!"  “Last night you were a big boy and slept in your bed all night. Way to go, Jacob! Tonight, you get to fall asleep all by your self! What a big boy action that is.” It is fun to give such pep talks.
• Instead of rushing Jacob to do things, give ourselves more time and let him meander a bit, all the while reminding him of what the larger goal is. Sometimes,  all it takes to prompt him to do something is to stop pushing him to do it and just watch lovingly or even close my eyes for a few moments.

 Naturally, taking on these practices is a gradual process. My actual behavior is a mix of the old and new. The aim is a positive trajectory.

 

Seven takes on my break

This is about the arm that broke two weeks ago tomorrow:
1. Inner critic: you shouldn't have been wearing those old worn-out running shoes
2. Enneagram: another example of the Average level six causing harm by trying hard to make things safe (in my case, by keeping Jacob away from something)
3. What happened is what happened.
4. A sign. Of what? Arm breaking foreshadows Julie's water breaking? Taking me out of work to prepare me for family leave? A crack in some sense of who I take myself to be?
5. A challenge. Forces me--and Julie and Jacob and others around us -- to adapt by experimenting with new ways of getting things done
6. A slow down. Showers, dressing, eating, helping Jacob in and out of the car...all take three times as long. That which I took for granted becomes visible.
7. Healing brings healing. The nurturing of my arm creates an opportunity to take care of all the hurt parts of myself, to soften, to open.

Experimenting with staying in one place

We're now a week into November, and I just realized what this month's experiment is about: imagining we'll live in Portland for the long term. And not just imagining it but living as if this were the case. A host of factors have led to this experiment:

• Deepening my Diamond Approach practice has helped me get in touch with--and see objectively--some distorted thinking to which I have been prone the past few years. In particular, I've seen the fallacies behind the narrative that "I'm meant to be in the Bay Area because that's where my community is, that's where four or five of my best friends are, that's where I developed a spiritual practice and learned Integral Coaching." It's an interesting story with some facts to support it and many that don't support it. The big "aha" was realized that the people I consider great friends in the Bay Area are not great friends by my own standard, one that includes frequent communication. In fact, the notion that they are great friends is a concept in my mind that, when poked even slightly, falls down rather quickly.
• Developing a whole set of deliberate somatic practices (nutrition, strength training, etc.) has helped me feel present in my body, in my home, and in this city. I actually feel like I'm here rather than thinking about being someplace else.
• We have made investments in our home over the last year, and I've enjoyed the process. These include waterproofing the basement, buying and sculpting a new screen door, getting the exterior window trim painted, putting a cap on the chimney, trimming bushes in the back yard...and the list goes on. Each investment we make, each time I talk to a contractor, and each time I see the physical results I experience myself as someone who owns this home, who inhabits this space.
• Recent reading about being self-sufficient as a family and neighborhood in the event of possible/probably energy and food shortages in the future due to peak oil and global climate weirdness--this reading points to many virtues of not just Portland but the neighborhood where we live. More on this below.
• Three 9-year-old girls in the neighborhood stopped by two weeks ago to offer their "practice babysitting" services. We accepted on the spot, and within minutes they were playing with Jacob in the living room while Julie cooked dinner and I lifted weights. 
• Twice in the past week, colleagues have referred possible clients to me, something that hasn't happened in a while. I suspect the timing is related to the publishing on my newsletter.
• A general feeling of contentedness and ease I feel, even when contemplating somewhat dismal scenarios for the economy and biosphere. This is the sign of a healthy (Enneagram) Six mind: highly alert to what's happening, particular dangers, yet relaxed, confident and trusting about the ability to respond.

The list above is not just what prompted this monthly experiment but also a descripton of how that experiment is unfolding.

Now, let me return to the question of what makes Portland a great place to be in the face of possible food and energy shortages sometime in the coming years? To answer this question, I'd like to quote the most important factors in choosing a place to live from the book Depletion and Abundance: Life on the New Home Front by Sharon Astyk:

• A place that would be good to live not just in five years but in 50 or 100 years
• Water--and lots of it--both for drinking and farming. This rules out places like Arizona and Las Vegas, which may see a mass exodus when U.S. water supplies  decline. Fortunately, never wanted to move there. In contrast, Portland and the Northwest as a whole has plenty of water, not just rainfall but reservoirs and the Columbia River.
• Not sitting on top of major energy resources (e.g. oil, gas). No problem here with that.
• Local food security, i.e. the region can mostly feed itself rather than requiring on imports which in turn depend on intact transport networks and low fuel prices. The Willamette Valley is a great place for growing food.
• Near the people you love. This is where Portland falls shortest. We are lucky Wendy, Bill, Phoebe and Will are just two hours away, but the rest of our families are spread out all over. I'm sad to write this, but the broad spread of our families makes no region any better than any other, unless it is one likely to attract other family members to move there. Perhaps Portland can be one such place, particularly once our country starts to feel the impacts of peak oil.

Portland actually matches up better on most of these criteria than the Bay Area. 

Let me mention a few other dimensions of the experiment happening this month:

• We are starting to explore ways to grow vegetables in our back yard (and possibly in the front yard). My father has agreed to help me do some research during their trip here this weekend
• I had a solar installation company come out to talk about putting PV cells on our roof for either solar electric or solar hot water. Solar electric is practically free, but it requires building a bigger dormer, i.e. one that would be part of a second bathroom project
• I've made connections with two men in the neighborhood who are thinking about home and neighborhood preparedness. 
• I've become more willing to do coaching work that pays less than my standard fees but is local in order to be of service and further embed myself in the community

 

Enneagram mantras and mudras

Another wonderful week with Russ Hudson and other teachers at the Enneagram Institute. This time in upstate New York and with an experiential focus on the somatics of each type at varying levels of health. An energetic and wise woman named Andrea Isaacs showed us how each of the nine types moves its body in the world at healthy, average and shadow levels. And she asked us to practice this ourselves. We actually moved around the room in each of these twenty seven permutations of somatic experience.

By the end, each participant developed a mantra (saying) and mudra (body movement) for the healthy level of each type. Yes, not just their own type, but all nine types because each type lives within us.

Here are my mantras and a description of the mudras. (Sometime I'll get photos of me doing the mantras):

• Type 8: Stately inner solidity. (Stand upright with arms down and palms facing out)
• Type 9: I have depth. (Press left foot firmly on ground, then repeat with right foot, feeling my connection to the earth)
• Type 1: I have dignified poise. (Hold both hands in front of my chest with palms facing each other, then move them together outward and hold).
• Type 2: I am receiving your love. (Reach out both hands and scoop the air toward my heart)
• Type 3: I am the greater glory. (Pull arms out to sides and then above head, meeting to form a circle)
• Type 4: Quiet deep emotional strength. (One hand on heart center and one on belly)
• Type 5: Infinite clarity. (Create circular shape with thumbs and pointing fingers, place in front of each eye, and project arms outward)
• Type 6: Strong and confident. (Move arms as though doing biceps exercise then hold in downward extension)
• Type 7: Rapture and elated. (Move up the front of my body and out to the sides).

Each mantra and mudras evokes a different type of energy and mood in my body. "I am receiving your love" evokes warm feelings in my heart and a sensation of taking in. "I am the greater glory" produces a sense of brilliant grandeur, a feeling of being large. "Raptured and elated", particularly when said with a raptured tone, produces this very feeling in my being. The mantras and mudras for types 8, 9, 1, 4 and 6, while different, all call forth deep presence and solidity.

So the question then becomes: when to practice the mantras and mudras? For the past week, I've practiced them at least once a day. Last night, we experimented with incorporating them into our Shabbat ritual. After three cleansing breaths and before the candlelighting, I did the mantras and mudras while Julie and Jacob watched. It takes about 45 seconds. I have offered to share my Enneagram notes with Julie so she can create her own. As for Jacob, I hope that hanging out with us while we embody these qualities will nourish his development and his access to the many dimensions of human being-ness. (More on other experiments with Shabbat to make it "our own" while building on the tradition in a future post).